First Days in the Temple

Escort: accompanying another for protection, guidance, or courtesy.

When Funke called me yesterday, I first cried in surprise and joy, and then I cried in longing. Originally from Nigeria, Funke now lives in Hounslow, a suburb of London, near Heathrow airport, and I have been in her flat a number of times, as she was often in mine during our thirteen months there.

The home that holds the most cherished memories for both of us though, is the House that belongs to the Lord. It was in the London England Temple, just a few weeks ago, that we held hands while Funke received her endowments. As her escort, it was my privilege to prepare her and then stay beside her throughout the experience, explaining as necessary, bolstering her confidence with smiles and squeezes. Pure joy.

This sacred honor came to me again just this week. I received another invitation to escort a new temple patron: my very own daughter, the only birth-daughter I will ever share the holy temple with. After a lifetime of loving the gospel, she took to it like a fish to water: completely at home amid scripture and symbolism, requiring a minimum of hand-holding.

As an eighteen-year-old raised in a less-active family, I needed far more support during my first visit to the temple. The sister who acted as my escort knew this and tenderly draped my arm through hers.

She exuded loving confidence throughout, both in me and in the proceedings, so that I relaxed into her testimony, resting my head on her faithful shoulder at every opportunity.

Two hours later, I was sealed for time and all eternity to her son.

When Funke and I went to the temple, she sweetly mimicked everything I said or did, like a younger sibling with an admired elder. Hannah was a little more independent, but still asked lots of questions. The Child-Bride-Me did a ton of both.

My poor mother-in-law was watched like a hawk and peppered with "why" and "what does that mean" and "how do I...'s"' until she almost ran out of answers. It was at that moment when she gave me the instruction which I swore (to myself) to never forget:

"Safety pin your locker key to the inside of your stocking."

Say what?

"That way it won't jingle in your pocket when you walk."

She watched me while I followed through. Satisfied I had mastered this important little rite, she took my hand and led me to the chapel.

Hundreds of temple visits later, she and I found ourselves together in the locker room of the Orlando, Florida Temple, where she was now serving with my Temple President father-in-law as the Temple Matron.

We cheerfully chatted in whispers while I changed and hung my clothes. With everything in the locker, I twisted the tiny key and raised my dress to expose the top of my knee-high stocking. Then -- as I popped open the safety pin attached to the key -- and while bending over to carefully complete the procedure I had followed for twenty-plus years --

she said the most astounding thing:

"What are you doing THAT for?"

Say what?

"Why are you pinning the key inside your stocking?"

Ahhhh...you told me to?

(Shaking of the head.) "That's the silliest thing I ever heard of."

****************************

I must admit, it was awfully fun being Sage-for-a-Day; so fun, that as an escort, I couldn't resist passing on my own personal profundities:

Don't forget the Kleenex.
Only wash whites with whites.
Clip the hem of your dress to a skirt hanger when you store it in a hanging bag.
(and last but not least)
A pocket is THE best place to stash your locker key.

Of course since the temple is all about relationships, information, and forever, it seems perfectly appropriate for Hannah and Funke to cherish my advice like doctrine for the rest of their lives.
At least until they figure out a better way.
Or until I forget it.

Whichever comes first.

Muse with me: What advice do you remember from your first visit to the temple?

More musing on my relationship with my beloved mother-in-law:
Imitating Mother
Cherry-ty (Over-Chocolate) Never Faileth
Whose Body is it Anyway?

Galaxy Quest: Advice for Parents Who Want to Know

It feels so good to be with my grown children back in the USA this week. My oldest son and his family have been spoiling me rotten, and as I was wrestling this morning with a title for this musing, I remembered our perfectly American Saturday night last night: a mega bowl of popcorn and a popular movie silly. "Galaxy Quest."

My son gave me a stack of photos yesterday – you know, the old fashioned kind, the ones you have to hold in your hand or paste in a scrapbook to look at. He had come across a roll of film and, curious about the contents, had it developed. The pictures were from Christmas 1992. What struck and relieved me most, as I sorted through these hard-copy memories, was that no one posed with their new toy like a fishermen beside his trophy tuna. Instead, in every picture, my children were hugging somebody.

To have physical evidence that my kids really loved and appreciated each other as children, and that we -- all the adults in their lives -- found joy in their childhood, meant a lot to me, for my memory is aging and I am well aware that I cannot trust it completely anymore: either I get little too rose-colored, like an old love-letter curling slightly at the edges, or I become critical of my past, like an old epistle, read so often it takes on too much meaning.

There are some things, however, I remember with absolute clarity. This is the biggest: I LOVED being a mommy. I loved every stage of being a mommy: infants, toddlers, elementary school, tweens, teens, young adults: bring it on. However, I am sure now that I am different now. That is what going through all those stages does to a woman. Grandma’s hair turns silver so that her children will know she is different; so that, as adults, they will forgive and revere her. The wiry head is a lopsided crown proclaiming: I did it. I was imperfect, but I did it.

Two-Plus (today's name for the precious person who married my second son), is about to give birth to her first baby. Evidently, at her recent baby shower, a well-meaning mommy-peer, who is also new to the ranks, gave her this earnest piece of advice: Do not listen to anyone else’s ideas about parenting. It’s your baby, and no one else can tell you how to parent. My darling Two-Plus was amazed.

Her friend’s green-counsel reminds me of a Jerry Seinfeld routine about helpful aliens parking their spaceship in the yard just as Dad is putting everything in the car for a family road-trip. Surrounded by too much luggage for the trunk, Dad says: ‘EVERYBODY STAND BACK. IT GOES IN A WAY ONLY I UNDERSTAND.’ ‘But Dad,’ you whisper, ‘they came from another galaxy! I think they know how to pack.’

I admit I am increasingly wrinkled, shrinking, and poofy, but I am not an alien. Whatever worthy advice I can offer younger mommies and daddies is because I am human too. It’s not because I was Mother-Extraordinaire, but because I was Mother-Pulling-Hair. I over-extended, over-expended, and over-expected. Most of my mistakes, the kids and I grew through, but some of them had consequences that echo in our lives today.... Buuuut if you aren’t interested in becoming the wiser-then-I-was (because the only “how-to” you trust is the book you wrote yourself) then all I can tell you is how it feels to live with the consequences.

I have, and will continue, to share my parenting experience (good and bad) at Musings and in other ways with younger mums and dads who want to know. But for today, standing here in the driveway, surmising all the bags and equipment you have yet to pack, my best advice is to go get some more. ADVICE that is. The parents who have earned their silver crown have a wealth of valuable information.

Toss the “feed-Baby-pureed-liver” prattle if you want (I'm not talking about heeding Know-It-Alls) , but listen for the meaningful stuff from meaningful people. Ask ‘em ('cuz the worthy ones won't necessarily tell you unless you ask) how they got across the galaxy, make notes, and then -- if I were you -- take a picture together. When younger people come to you for your experience someday, you’ll need proof that the kids were once short; natural color hair was normal; and -- though they have long since returned to the stars -- it was wizened, generous aliens who helped you sort the car for that family trip.

Muse with me: What's the best parenting advice you have ever received?

Related Musings:
everything under
Musings On Our Relationships with Kiddos
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Old Beginnings

You know, it doesn't matter how great the talk is, how important the speaker, or how poignant the testimony, when there's a baby around - I am totally distracted in church meetings. It's like, "Sorry -- there's a baby here!" Today, I couldn't help observing a young mother and her infant. The baby girl is her first, and just the sweetest thing; petite, bright-eyed, tiny rosebud lips. I watched with tenderness how mother and child interacted. You could feel the mother's great hopes and dreams for that little one every time she held her up to her face and cooed at her. I remember all of that so well. Of course I could not comprehend at that stage, as my young mother friend certainly does not, how precious - and painful - the ensuing years would be; those years when your dreams either become their dreams too, or are replaced with completely different dreams of their own making.

It is the beginning of a new year and my grown children are off on their end-of-Christmas-break pilgrimage back to their lives away from mine. This letting-go-and-grow has been a process for me as a mother, as it is for all mothers. I've found mine has been documented in my January journal entries for the past 8 years:

January 2000
I can hardly believe the year is over. Mortality is such a paradox; an irony, and a wonder. We anticipated so much in the past year, and now it is all a memory. It makes me joyful while fighting melancholy and the urge to curse TIME. It seems wicked for marching on without mercy and for limiting us to consecutive experiences: one horizon after another. No sooner do I climb and then descend the hill; but there's another one before me. My children are growing up.

January 2001
I looked at my "baby" and realized that my child princess is no longer a child. At 13, we are on a whole new era/adventure. I also begin another year of raising young adults. No more Primary, no more kissing "owies" better, no more breaking up their disagreements, no more scrubbing their faces, admiring their freckles, or teaching them to ride a bike, write the alphabet, or to "ooo" over a dinosaur. I left diapers behind a long time ago with playpens, car seats, and cribs. But the intervening years have been a delight - especially the moments with the girl with the ringlets cascading down her back.

January 2002
The kids and I finished reading the Book of Mormon TOGETHER. The project has taken well over a year's time, but through it I've taught them and "discovered" them; even as they "discovered" the riches inside that Book of Books...morning after morning, sitting about the living room or gathered round the kitchen table, reading aloud two verses each. Discussions and digressions frequently intervened -- that's why it took so long! We went to one of our favorite restaurants last night to celebrate our accomplishment. But dinner out couldn't compare to the joy and relief I felt flood my entire being as I read aloud Moroni's last verse. I put my head down and sobbed. If I should die tomorrow, my children will have our hours together, reading the Book of Mormon.

January 2004
Thinking about this new year...as I see it, my mission right now, at least for the next several years, is to center my energies on raising my teens and young adults; supporting, encouraging, teaching -- as they stretch their wings and discover who they really are.

January 2006
My heart has been broken over and over during the past year. Yet Charity wins! Christ the victor! My hurt and anxieties have melted into a peaceful acceptance of my children's agency. But what sorrow I have had to pass through! Losing my children from under my constant care is the hardest stage of motherhood! Oh Father! Why wasn't I warned at the beginning?!

January 2007
I'm learning to love this phase of my life: young adults, the struggles and glories of growth, the heady fantasies and the sometimes painful realities, my lifelong dreams and wishes and works and prayers coming to a head, their ultimate fulfillment still an open question, still just around the corner. As my children make the transition into adulthood, I am holding their hands, but with a light touch. As little people, I clung to them and they clung to me, hands clasped tight...mine the bigger. Now, every one of them, except my delicate Ashley, has much larger hands than mine. And instead of walking in front of them, pulling them behind, I can hardly keep up with the ambitious strides that come from their own very long legs. They are still holding my hand for moral support, but with my free hand I alternate between pointing out what's ahead and applying a little encouraging push from beside, or a little behind. Someday very soon, of course, they will be far in front. I will still keep my eye on them, but only to observe their lives and to give an occasional nod of approval, a wave of "I'm okay...you go ahead", and to cry a little when they think to turn around and blow a kiss.

January 2008
I've chosen to like getting old. Wrinkles are beautiful. Silver hair is a crown of achievement, a symbol of endurance, a reminder that, as Elder Nelson once said, "We're not stuck on this earth forever." Righteousness, held to consistently throughout our lives, produces the fruits of peace and satisfaction in old age, so that we do not fear it. I am over half way through my mortality, and have experienced the miracle of my first grandbaby, and look forward to all the others who are waiting in the wings. My hand is ready to take theirs -- as they lead me.